1/24 7:19 pm est

i found out a week ago that if i am actually happy, i get hurt more. and if i hate other people in my own thoughts but switch up and dont say those things im turning normal i wish they were dead i hate how they treat me like this. i dont want to be normal. i want to get out of this piece of shit house, throw my phone onto the ocean and never speak to them again. but i remember that mental turmoil that my mom and step father put me through and then I feel giult of not to my bio dad and cousin anymore. theyre actually okay. ....... why didn't i sign up for a dorm man aaaaaaaaaaaahahahahaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
the troydilgites of the united states of bitchless has started to censor tiktok in all it's glory. i find it kinda sad and mostly disapoointing. and i found out that Biden has sent 8 billion dollars worth of weapons n shit ti Israel so they can kill, trap and capture off more Palestinians. Why the fuck do you side with killers??? Kamela (i defintally buttured that wrong) go so much shit for want isreal but i have heard any fucking hate UNTIL I WATCHED A DIFF VIDEO WHERE THEY (a youtuber im assuming) MENTION THIS like hhuuuhhhhhhhhhhhh reallly?? just- why. sometimes with thoughts like these, its a wonder why i havent joined a protest group yet. maybe im THAT dissintrested ( and traumatized) in relationships with people, but dude, amn, bunny buddy, chum pal, bucket boy, why dont i let myself prtest outside of the internet. arrroooooooooooooooooooooooo
I got some (3 cups) of bubble tea yesterday! gaayyyy. nah it s not gay. but it was a little too addictive for my belly x.x I found the bubble tea shop on google after visiting with my dads side of the family to an asian buffet. I saw the brown shugar tea and got intruged on what it tastes Like so i got it. it really went great. i even got another but Babie stopped me taking another and had me put off the drink until tomorrow. I wasn't mad, fustrated, but not mad. the place that i went to, Hi Tea, has cute plushes!!! even the one that i like called Kuromi was in there! it was cute and adorable and semi-weird decor gave cush joyous feelings! my boob is throbbing kinda in pain rn aaggg anyway it was CUTE!! i ordered 1 strawberry and 2 brown sugars cause i cant help myself and also those worthless hagging bitches aren't heerereeee they're in my hometown sooo >:333 yeah those thingies were goog drinks. the tapioca pearls i mean, espacially if you put them in the firdge for quite a while. hard, squishy, and slurppy. Chewing tapioca balls (gay) in my mouth.
i knew that high school wiill be that pain of my existence when i got there at 13. in a droning way. Processing it all in third person really helps all a that. And what i found about my thinking and realization of me researching the bouts and depths of masculinity cause of some vids and a tumblr screen shot. and also corrleting with my fasination of gender. comming acrossing acedently while seeinf a thumbnail of an arcane video that had the ord gender in it. the amount of fucking research of masculinity, queerness, and a bit of femme history i did for not reason got me WHEELING BRO. i was bookmarking all of the links on google about masculinity, neruodivergency, gender expression, and stuff, going through some things i prolly should've not be in, but it was a,,......opening experrience. I guess. it's over two thousand links i bookmarked btw. i kept them all in a folder which i luckly didn't bring into my old school acount... oh the memories. I consider that time of my life as a good memory. Thanks to that, i found out i am a transmasc nonbinary person :3 YAY! somewhere at 15/16 i figured I was a demigirl for most of my life, even when i was in elementary age, so i putted that in my (website i will not mention) bio. i wish i could say more but um, imfeeling nausous.

01/07 4:46 pm est

Wow I just considered ending it all like a while ago and now the tears have stopped lmao I was crying about im imagination, of how I was considering ending it all/killing myself/commit suicide if I didn't transfer to sophmore and them it turned into a whole vent song pmv and reapeating thoughts of wanting to ending it all lollllll im mean,,, I feel like i should. God thinking about this in age twenty is already strange to everyone else imagen if I still ended up thinking like this at age 30 ....that's not funny. That's like a stupid emo joke a gullible clown would say, a stupid little clown.
anyway etxra reason of why I was (and still am for the reat of my twenties maybe) suicidal ... h0lyyyyyy shi t i already forgot what I was typing haha lolll is this what boomers mean to "move on"? like forgetting shit that's traumatic af and that only your body remembers what trauma felt like? this kinda shit is why I listen to rain noises lollllll
okay so the collage thing I honest to god have no damn clue what im doing or if i'll even make it past twenty. I mean I was a highschooler when I thought about not suviving high school and now hear i am... I may or may have not gotten ear damage for contioning myself to go there every godamn day even though I didn't want to. That's why I like school drills, gym class, and school parties that are outside. I like outside. I smell grass and wind instead of dust and sweat and cold air in that 1800s biulding. I remember going to a graduate party of sorts... or was it before graduation? eh anyways there was a big cake and bbq food and drinks and shit. but it was outside!! I think I tolerated the beaming ass sun for a long time (adhd edition) and just layed on the grass and sat on there theres a meme video of how school improves thier arcitechure when you leave. I wonder if that implies for my middle and high school biuldings.
this turned into a ramble like always eehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh H a

01/03 9:00 pm est

tomorrows my birthday.... horray I guess? This just feels like the same shit over again for the past few years. It's very quiet on my birthday now.
I have back crash my moms car into another car, a rental one in fact. No idea if my cousin and his girlfriend find out abt that yet... maybe not who knows, they're adults, i think they just want an apology from me or somethin ... yeah maybe. mom was(?) mad about the car damage to her car. I didn't like her afterwards and she had to comfort me, even though I told her I had her out of implusivity. This is stupid. If this was anyone else, they would've berated me into subbmission and complience for an apology (that wont even be truthful nor snecere)
genes are weird and goofy, man. I have bpd and adhd when I don't take fluxotine and have some bpd if I do have it. Sometimes I want to take some mental illness out of me man.

01/01/2025 morning/afternoon

wahooo it's the new yearrr okay actually im not looking forward to what the cunt presedent going back at the white house, but... idk for some strange reason I don't feel constant despair? Like I did with those previous years when I was an "adult" where I didn't feel stable enough to even talk to people (I did something very bad) (Also I was having panic attacks because of constant verbal fighting with the stupid fucking cunt of a man but I would rather put a gun in my mouth than talk to him again. really sounds like im exatterating but man if you lived with him you'd think he's a fuckin creepy narc looollll/neg he IS.) and would be damn sad to stay in this house once again.

Okay enough w the ranting ermmmm I'm thinking of making a comic!! horray. I have like, 3-4 comic ideas I have for uhh I think since I WAS 17, starting with 8 kids going to a sped class together, and then 4 kids having a life in the foster system (I actually havr a title for this. It's called Kid Culture. I am so swag with names cool emoji), and then uhh 2 boys kids going through school trying to dismantle what other people think of them and thier unqunie relationship(s) (It's more like going through childhood not knowing what to describe your own identity with other kids who don't understand...I plan to make it very queer and gay basically.), and then Hollys backstory. This is the most comic idea that I have the most visions over. I feel i'm going to fuck it up somehow god be damn tho, I feel pretty pumped up doing that kind of THING, all I need to do is decide which canvus size should I make it in... good chance it might be possible since my tablet goes haywire if I use a canvus size that is over 2300 pixels, but Ill try. It's gotten me here by trying to get through highschool, that overwhelming shit fucking enviroment/srs seriously I had to brace myself for loud bullshit everytime I walk out the damn hallway and for huddling overcrowdedly with a mix of shit ass smells hhhhrrfff I had calm moments here in there, but it was not enough for the realizations I would have at 20-gonnt-be-21-in-a-few-days me. ... there's like other ideas I have in store but maybe I'll link it on my index blog...somehow.

let's just say I had another fractured personality called "chill guy"... along with the fractured personalities/fragments I had since childhood. hmmfff

uhh for new years we had a small dinner. I gave a korean snack I got from mah package (ii order a bos of asian snacks before the new years misnight strucked, coincedentialy) I remember it was mango flavored I texted my father and my lil cousin happy new year, despite beingn discontent with the new year. Mw and her talked about sad anime, and yaknow while typing this, I think she's doing the same thing when I was a... 5th grader. I think. I was trying to make myself sad by watching Clanned (i found it in a "top ten saddet anime" list on the internet) Kinda weird how the cycle continues. Maybe if I told her I liked sad/morbid stuff she wouldn't have that desire to do that, :( I'm worried abt her sometimes guessing about her life. Espacially her school...well more like schools in general, those are painful to get through because of bullies and noises. I wonder if it gets overwhelming enough that she starts skipping classes like I did? I mean girl isn't my daughter, she has some remments of her mothers personality (i honest to god she won't consider that a compliment, but ub anyway)

uhm I just realized this is mostly about otehr ppl huh. Oh well.

it's been a week ago since TPTM ending and like.... i'm kind of sad about that, menencholic even. I sear to fucking god i type with a tinge of suspected humor in it like im about to say somethin funny but it's not!!! I WAS sad for a few days finding out about it ending, it's been a journy tho. I found out about this ablbum before Choco box girl realesed and WOW I didn't think I heard about Disposable girl b4 until i came across a remix of it I listened to again. My memory is funky af sometimes loollll. Me and Nataana r swag and chill I wanna hug her, I wish she was real aaahhhrrr what else. uhhh I guess that is it?? until another thought comes to mind-

peace.

12/26 near afternoon aka 11:00 something am est

I am bored, listening to breakcore fills the calm void that is mah soul ^-^ My cousin was upset that i had to whisk her away to sleep since she had to go back home preassumenly so does my other cousin
what else ugghhh mmmm Oh. I got 150$ from him so like okay I guess. I with rather want 300 XP

12/25/2024 morning

hey. I made this. finally jfc I literally had to relearn/reremember code to do it... also look! a weird scrollbar thing im doing!! I hope this kind of thing works. I'm hungary XP.